Mike tries to appease the disgruntled Police Commissioner by honoring a beloved police dog who has recently died. But things go awry on the way to the funeral when Paul and Carter lose the canine's body.
- The police commissioner is upset because he feels the administration has been taking too much credit for the recent decrease in crime statistics. In order to smooth things over, Mike promises to do everything he can to promote the police force. His chance comes when Bingo, the most famous police dog in New York, dies. He sets up an elaborate funeral in order to kiss up to the commissioner. There's only one small problem: While transporting Bingo, Paul and Carter forget the coffin in a cab. They proceed to call Mike's apartment where Ashley hears the message and goes nuts trying do decide whether or not to run with the story. Eventually, Mike finds a replacement for Bingo that even fools his partner. Then, while the Mayor is giving his euology, the new dog raises his head and barks. Mike convinces the crowd that the dog has just reincarnated. Mike eventually tells Ashley the truth, but not Bingo's partner, who looses a purse snatcher when the fake Bingo runs away.
- Recently, the staff has made some mistakes due to an over-ambitious schedule. So Mike decides to compensate by buying the staff an air hockey table. Stuart seems to think he is the master of this new distraction. However, after one shot by Janelle, we see that Stuart is just full of hot air. He gets beaten so badly, he decides to up the ante and bet on the games. The rest of the staff join in. When Mike finds out, he is appaled and declares that the table will be removed. But when Mike and the Mayor cannot decide where to put the table, they play for it.
- Michael J. Fox as Mike Flaherty
- Carla Gugino as Ashley Schaeffer
- Richard Kind as Paul Lassiter
- Alan Ruck as Stuart Bondek
- Michael Boatman as Carter Heywood
- Connie Britton as Nikki Faber
- Alexander Chaplin as James Hobert
- and Barry Bostwick as Randall Winston
- Jerry Adler as Police Commissioner Gould
- Jason Antoon as the cab driver
- Robert Maschio as Bingo's partner
Mike: I don't want to hear any excuses.
Stuart: You sure? Cause I've been saving a doozy. It starts out as an excuse but I end up blaming James.
Mike: James, last night you had the mayor tell the women's coalition that his main goal was...
James: to put more women in managerial positions.
Mike: Missionary positions!
Nikki: Unless I can lie down on this table and have a big, muscular german man give me a full body massage this is not gonna work for me.
Stuart: Gutentag, fraulein.
Paul: Okay, we just have time for one more question.
Ashley: Mister commissioner, are you saying that the mayor's office is overestimating its impact on the decrease in crime?
Mike: Erm, look at that sir, we have to go! I'm sorry, right this way, sir.
Ashley: Paul, you said you had time for one more question.
Paul: Yes, but just the question, not the answer.
Mike (To the police commissioner): With all due respect, sir, just a few rules if you want to be succesful in city politics:
One: don't shake hands during the cold and flue season.
Two: Never kiss a baby unless you're absolutely sure it's a baby.
And three: Don't go into that room and embarass my guy in front of the press.
Commissioner: He (the mayor) couldn't even make an appearance at the policemen's ball.
Mike: Okay, there you go, sir. See, that was my fault: we had your event on the schedule, but there were two parades that day: an Italian-American festival and the mayor simply got caught up in an important business meeting with some Italian-American business men.
Commissioner: Yeah, I saw him on the six o' clock news. In a canoli eating contest!
Mike: What do you want him to do? Just give his title away?
Stuart (about Air Hockey): So, you've really never played?
Janelle: Doesn't really seem like a lot to pick up. Let's go.
Stuart: No. It's too unfair. You have no chance against my expertise. I would have to teach you to isolate your opponent's weaknesses, then capitalize on them, never paying heed as they beg for mercy and to be relentless 'till victory was yours.
Janelle: And you wonder why no-one will go out with you twice?
Stuart: You see, grasshopper, one must understand the rhythms of the game in order to truly master it. Ebb and flow, Yin and Yang. Are you prepared to do battle?
Janelle (sarcastic): No, I want you to talk some more.
Janelle: Yang that!
Janelle: Stuart, here's the fax you were waiting for. Oh, and I almost forgot: I also have your pride, selfrespect and what's left of your manhood.
Carter: You should get that back. Might need that someday.
James (on Bingo): Didn't he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?
Mike: The poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that.
Mike: James, I need you to whip up a eulogy for the mayor to give at the funeral.
James: Mike, I can't just whip up a eulogy. I mean, you're asking for a meanigful summation of an entire life. Did he have friends? What were his hobbies?
Mike: Well, man was his best friend and as far as hobbies go I have to say: digging holes and licking himself.
Carter: Excuse me, how come you pretended not to see me but then you pulled over for him?
Cab driver: I don't know what you're talking about.
Carter: Oh, here, does this look familiar? Taxi! TAXI!!!
Cab driver: I didn't notice you.
Carter: You noticed him?
Cab driver: He has a very big head.
Paul: You know, you're very rude. I think you owe both of us an apology.
Cab driver: For what? I'm doing my job. Why can't you just let my do my job without pestering me?
Paul: Allright, could you take the left lane, because that's faster.
Cab driver: I am not a racecar driver!
Carter: No, you're a racist driver.
Paul: Oh, good one!
Commissioner: I just want you to know how important this is to us. Bingo was the finest dog ever to carry a shield.
Mike: That reminds me sir, I've always wondered...
Commissioner: A chain, around his neck...
Ashley (on the phone): Bye, mom.
Mike: Well, that was quick.
Ashley: Well, you know, it always is: "how's the weather", "how's your health", "stop wasting your time with that Flaherty boy"...
Mike: It used to be "throwing your life away with that Flaherty boy", I think she's coming around.
Mike (on the phone, to Paul): Hello? Paul! This better be good news, Paul. You better listen to me, Paul. You better find me that damn dog or I'm gonna come down there, duct tape a fur coat to your ass and shovel you in the little box!
Paul (on the phone): I believe I left a package in one of your cabs yesterday. (pause) What was in it? You're gonna laugh: it was a dead German shepherd. He hung up on me.
Paul and Carter: Mike, we're making phone calls, it's going to...
Mike: Heyheyhey! It's okay! I can see how this could happen, there are plenty of ways you could lose a dog: he could wander off, he could chase a cat,... Of course those are generally thing a living dog would do...
Mike (interrupting the airhockey game): That's it! Playtime is over! I don't care how you do it, I want that dog or a damn fine replacement, allright? I want everyone to think about one thing and one thing only: B-I-N-G-O! (Karen starts to hum)
Mike: And the first person who says "and Bingo was his name-o" is fired!
Nikki: All right, we're obviously not ready, why can't we just push this thing back 'till tomorrow?
Stuart: This isn't a wedding; we can't exactly tell the people that Bingo got cold feet.
Nikki: Well, actually...
Mike (about dog): Not bad, huh? I got him at the pound. Even Bingo's mother would have to look twice.
Nikki: Mike, this dog isn't exactly right...
Mike: Yeah, I know, it has a slightly different coloration in the face but I think we can get away with it.
Carter: And you never noticed any other problem? Curve of the tail, the thickness of the coat, he's alive...?
Mike: I think this is gonna work. Watch this. (to dog:) Sit, sit. There you go. Lie down, lie down. Allright. Play dead!
Stuart: Mike, I'm sorry, it is over! You have to go out there and tell the commissioner we lost the dog!
Mike: If we're gonna go down, we're gonna go down in flames, all right? Turn the lights down low and we'll just move everybody past real quick.
Mike: Okay, that could be a problem...
Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to express my deepest sorrow. Now, I didn't know Bingo personally, but I do know from talking to all of you he was truly special.
(Bingo gets up in the coffin, but the mayor doesn't notice)
Mayor: Rest assured: Bingo will not be forgotten. His voice will be heard in the echo of dog barks everywhere!
Mayor: Yes: woof!
Mike: This is off, I mean off off off off off the record, all right? We lost Bingo.
Ashley: I know. I know, I heard it on the machine and it drove me crazy because it was right there, in front of me!
Mike: I can't believe you didn't run with it.
Ashley: I mean, that story, it had everything, Mike: the indignant police commissioner, the hapless deputy mayor, the lost local hero,...
Ashley: it was a bad choice of words.
Mike: Look at us: back at it again
Ashley: Yep. Does it scare you?
Mike: No. Because I know you love me, you need me, you'd never ever run with anything that could cause me pain...
Ashley: Don't press your luck, mister.